blog 10 connect to your life

most people spend all of their lives just to get one thing, and that one thing is money. as we are told throughout our whole life, money doesn't buy happiness. then how come when our parents are in debt or broke they're the opposite of happy? money is an evil thing that can do many things to us, such as buying something that could make them happy, money can also make us crazy.

blog 8 a character in my life

a character in my life would have to be my father. he is the one who taught me all my morals of life, which is do what you need to do to fulfill your dreams. he taught me that drugs and alcohol isn't what i need to have fun. so therefor he would have to be a character in life.

blog 8 cellphone etiquitte

when most people are with their dates, they tend to text when they get bored. i find this annoying, because when you're with someone you're supposed to be with them, not texting. when you're with friends or on long trips it's ok to text, but other times it is rude. i know i do it, but i find it rude as other people do as well.

blog 7

one time when someone's opinion had an impact on me is when people judged me by the way that i looked. last year i had a kid who said i drank and did drugs every chance i could get, mommy and daddy give me everything, and i've never had a job in my life. all these things are wrong, i've had three jobs, i don't do drugs, and mommy and daddy don't give me everything. i don't understand how someone could judge someone by just looking at them.

Blog 6

one time when i had a great loss was when my foster brother had overdosed back in 2007. him, my brother Zach, and I always hung out on the weekends. he was like an older brother to me, and when i got the news he had died, it broke me down. he died on my father's birthday.

blog 5- A light in my life is...

a light in my life would have to be my nephew. he makes my life worth while and makes me ready to be a father. no matter what he does, i can't be mad at him. he makes my life so much better and makes me happy.

blog 4 a "demon" in my life is...

a demon in my life would most defianetly have to be jealousy. there are some things i get so jealous of. my life revolves of people worth being jealous of. in life people call jealousy the "green monster" because it brings the worst out in someone and the times in my life where i get jealous is when the worst part of me comes out.

Blog 3- one thing that scares me...

one thing that scares me is my future.
your life all depends on your future.
i have no idea what i'm going to do with my life.
i have something planned out on what i want to do, but i'm not sure if that's what i want to do.

my plan is to go to ball state in Muncie, In and play volleyball there and study health science.
i want to go for something as in therapy, like sports therapy or just be a therapist.

Blog 2 I used to think...

i used to think that the world was something that was a place for enjoyment. i was wrong, it has made sense to me that it's all here just to hurt me. society has made the world a terrible place to live, they take away rights, there is murder, there is rape, there is all this crime that has made this world a living hell. there is kids killing their parents, there is abuse verbally and sexually, i mean why do as humanity do such things as this? we make this world a bad place to live. let's all see if we can make a difference.

Blog 1- Hero

what is a hero to me?
a hero is a person who makes themselves standout more than others.
it's someone who goes out of their way to help another individual.
it's someone who helps someone for no reason.
it's someone who does something for society.

have you

ever lost anyone close to you?
have you eve rloves someone, and then lost them?
due to drugs, illness, or just natural disasters.

we have all lost someone close to us.
that so much of us we lose everyone
it's a part of life,

we have to all do things we don't agree with.
i believe that we all have so much, things to overcome in life.
it's how we handle is how our life is looked upon.

so far

even though we have lived 16, 17, and 18 years
are you proud of what you have done with your life?
and what accomplishments have you made in those years?

some of us will look back at the past years of high school
and be proud of the drinking habits, and drug habits they have gotten into.
but what else, why not grades, or friends, or relations we get with our parents, or teachers.
how come we don't understand those importan things?

pictures

they are worth more than 1000 words,
but how come we always take the pictures and want to go back to that time?
we capture the perfection in that time.
but when you're looking back at it, it's not perfect anymore.
it's like lookin back at pictures from you and your ex.

you look back after all the things you two have been through.
but now, there is nothing left of you two.
why do we take pictures if all we are going to do is think about the past.
when it takes us back, and we just get upset, because we miss those times.

pictures are like music, they can take you back.
these things are things that help us in life.

have you

ever wondred what life has for us?
have you never wondered what your future holds?

i think about my future every day.
do you ever wonder who you're gonna marry?
do you ever wonder if you are going to have kids?
there are so many things to think about in the future.

remember what you do today
always adds up to what you can do tomorrow.
you can always do greater the next day, just from your past.

visualize it

have you ever visualized your life in ten years?
will you be married, will you have kids, let a lone will you be alive?
is there things you say you wouldn't ever do, in which you might do ten years from now.
have you ever believed in something so much that you wanted it to happen?
you believed in it so much, that that's all you thought about?
maybe it's becoming your dream, fulfilling it.
as long as you visualize and work towards it, then you can achieve it.
just don't let people bring you down, don't let yourself down.
whatever you believe in, you can do it.

stand up

for what you believe in!
no matter what it is, god, being straight edge
just make sure people know that you believe in whatever you believe in.
you want to make yourself so strong that people know that about you.
people know that you stand up for that.
you want people to know that no matter what they say,
you're always going to believe in that one thing.

so forget what the world has to say.
believe in wht you want, for you are your own person!

$@%!$graphy

we turn to god to forgive us for our sins.
but then again we turn back to the same sin we have just asked forgivness for.
why should he forgive us if we are going to go back to it, and be in the same exact position tomorrow?
for we have given the pornography world to much attention.
pornography goes against all of our morales.
the molding and creating of the human that lord made.
it was not meant to be seen by everyone.
why expose god's greatest creation, just for money?
why do we pay money to see things that turn us away from god?

we are breaking down the creation and exposing it for nothing at all.
why do we make god seem like just another man?
do we not understand that he is the reason we are here?
and we repay him by discouraging others away from him?
what a generation!

for the us

has and always will have things to look down upon.
for 90% of the population of teenagers in the world
have an addiction to drugs and always talk about how "folded" they are
or got over the weekend.
i hate hearing about this because it's drifting our generation away from our creator.
the one lord, Jesus Christ.

for we are becoming the opposite of what we are meant to be.
we are turning away from the lord jesus christ.
we need to become closer to our creator.

short story

There was a man who has always had the worst things happen to him. Let’s just say that he was accident prone. He has broken every bone in his body and some of them more than once. He has the worst luck than any man and/or woman could ever have. This man is short, long blonde hair, dark green eyes and a big chin. Growing up as a kid in school he was made fun of for being short and also for having a big chin. This man was named Joshua.

There was one day that he was in school that a kid was making fun of him for his chin. As many times as he has been made fun of he felt like there was something wrong with his body. So what does a kid think when something is wrong with their body? They think they’re not good enough for anybody or anything. They feel as if they are only doing harm to others.

Now this man had a little brother named Joel. Joel was not much younger, only one year but he was the “perfect child” in the family of theirs. He was the one who had all the looks, athletic abilities, and got all the girls. So as all other brothers, Joshua was jealous of Joel. Now even though Joshua was jealous of Joel they were inseparable. They were the best of friends; they were always there when they needed each other.

One thing Joshua never realized was that Joel was jealous of Joshua because he had all kinds of down time and he could listen to people’s problems and help them. Joel was so jealous of him for the very many things such as being older, being taller, and being able to do more things. Joel helped Joshua back when they were growing up with all the kids picking on Joshua. People now know not to mess with Joshua because Joel will for sure get them.

Well there was one day in Joshua’s senior year and Joel’s junior year that Joel was sick and stayed home for the first time in his high school years. As people were hearing about it, they started to pick on Joshua for a lot of things such as being the brother that was looked down on. They made fun of him so bad he left school early and drove home crying. As he got home no one was there and no one would answer their phone.

As he walked into his parents room and grabbing a gun out of his father’s gun case he loads it. He cocks the very small but powerful handgun. Tasting like silver, seeing the light very dim but yet so bright because it’s so close. What is this light? It’s the light of death before dying, the light of the heavens running away from him because he’s committing the ultimate sin. And as he yelled with tears running down his face, he read his note that he left. “Joel, for little brother I love you of everything you have made of yourself, keep yourself a good kid, please for me. I love you. Mom, I’m sorry but I had too, I love you and take care of Joel as you always did for both of us. And finally dad, you are my person to look up to, but I know you would have never done this, look after the family for me and for you I shred these tears. I love you father and always have even after the fights. I love you all, sincerely Joshua.”
BOOM! Then there was complete silence in the rest of the world, it seemed as if after Joshua died the earth stood still. After they all got home, Joel was the one who walked in on Joshua’s remains with blood dripping everywhere he cries and runs to his brother. Then he makes the call to the police, and he knew something was drastically wrong because he called before school was out. Only he didn’t answer and couldn’t help him. As any other person would, he is going to blame himself for his brother’s death. Joel shall soon learn to live on for he has a bright future ahead of him just for Joshua to look over him.

of mice and men

i liked the movie because it depicts what it happening in a moving picture to see and actually comprehend what is going on. there are some readers who can depict a picture from just reading the book, and there are others who can barely even understand what is going on. i am the kind of reader who can depict a picture just from reading it. it helpes me understand things alot more.

so which was better the book, or the movie? i think they both have their high points of interest. there are somethings in the book that you don't get in the movie. there are alot of details left out of the movie and there are things also added. in thew book you didn't get a picture depicted in your mind you could just watch it.

there was alot of emotion throughout the story. emotions going through being mad, then happy, excited, anxioius, and also being scared, and hatred as well! there were vany things in this story that people can relate to in life.

how is it

that music can do so many things to us?
how can it take us back, put us in a bad or good mood?
it can change a mood, it can make you wanna dance, it can make you look forward to the future.
how come music can do so much to us?
is it because we make such a meaning of the music that we keep those memories with it?
do we make memories with songs so we can have something to escape to when it's not there?

ponder on it for a minute, because i have yet to find out the solution.

one moment

do you remember when you were a kid and everything was a memory?
when you and your friends built forts with sheets, and built treehouses?
everything was perfect back when we were kids because there was no consequences.
there are things that set us back and give us flashbacks, but we can't go back to our childhood.
there are such things that can make you feel younger but then reality hits you.
there is one moment in my life that i will always remember.

people say that siblings fight like a married couple.
i don't understand that because me and my older brother are bestfriends.
if i don't see him for a while i feel uncertain about life, and i feel like there is something missing out of my life.
my older brother has been my bestfriend ever since i was around 9 years old.

i remember when my foster brother had died when i was younger.
his name was jason michael leftwhich, and i'm not going to go in depth of the tragedy.
i remember something that happened at the funeral that i will never forget.
i was crying after the funeral was over because it just hit me.
everyone was walking out and they seen me crying.
then a tall man hovered over me like a shadow.
i looked up and it was my brother, and he grabbed me and hugged me.

he said some words that i will never forget to this day and for the rest of my life.
he said "don't worry lil bro i'm always going to be here for you, and i love you."
such words from a brother that is older than you makes you feel good.
most older brothers hate their little brothers but we were different.

just live your life the way you want and don't care what others think, because after school and college who do you have?
you have yourself and your family and that's it.

friends

"the people you trust first will be the first to push the knife in your back. always watch who you share your heart with. the ones who stay are the ones you keep. they are the brotherhood!"
this is a quote from a friend of mine. my friend, josh morris said this to me one day and i take these words to heart.
even though if you have a bestfriend you can still get hurt by them.

why is it

we seem like we're in love when we're so young?
we always seem like we love the person we're dating everytime we date someone.

is it because we are so desperate to fall in love?
like the movies, and the stories, and fairytales.
we know love exsists and we get jealous of the people around us.

as humanity we can't go looking for love or we won't find it.
we will find something fake that we think is love.
that is why this period in time is the highest divorce rate.
we just need to look upon others and see what happens.
don't be expecting love because it won't happen.

isn't it funny

that it's actually true that when a door closes a new one opens.
it seems like at sometimes the right people come into your life at the perfect moment.
they seem to be there at the perfect time.
it's like being in thr right place in the right time.
there are always those people who stay.

i know a lot of people have their own problems that others can't help with because you need to deal with it yourself.
i understand things like that because i know i have not wanted to talk to people about my problems.
just remember that you're not alone when you need help.
there is always someone

3d

i recently seen alice in wonderland in 3d.
and i enjoyed the movie alot.

i think johnny depp played an amazing mad hatter.
he alwaays plays the best creepy, weird character.
johnny depp and tim burton together is an amazing movie already.

one thing that it made me realize is that
when we are younger we all think of a place running away to
just to get away from everything for a bit, or just someone to play with.
and when we grow up we still need that place to go to.
no matter what happens in your life
you always need a friend.

there is always going to be your own "wonderland"
no matter how old you are
you always need some place to go to,
where someone needs your help or just being a friend.
so keep that in mind while you get older.

how

come is it when
everyone comes back on monday from the weekend
all people talk about is how "folded" they get
or how "blazed" they was
i don't see what is so much fun in doing drugs.
i don't find any enjoyment in putting toxins in your body.

all i can think about is how many many young kids die from overdosing, or drunk driving/drivers. i have known a big number of people who have overdosed, or been killed by drunkdriving and/ or drunkdrivers.

i still don't see the enjoyment of harming yourself.
it's like cutting yourself.
i don't see how it helps with your problems.

i like to handle my problems myself, and i like to remember what i did over the weekend.
what is the point in living life not remembering your best years of it?

have you ever

been afraid of what the future holds for you?
i have also been afraid.
i have had this feeling a lot lately where i'm afraid.

i'm afraid of growing up.
i'm afraid of letting go.
i'm afraid of leaving all those i have had a frienship with.
i'm afraid of leaving of the ones that i love.
i'm afraid of starting a family.
i'm afraid of beginning my real life.

all these things i'm afraid of is what keeps me looking into the future and keeping my head up.
they help me get through things.
in life we like to overcome our fears.
and even though i'm afraid of all those things, i can't wait to overcome them.

you have to mentally prepare yourself for the future.
no one can give you advice because it's what you prepare for your whole life.

i have recently asked my brother if he was ever afraid of the future.
he said always and gave me advice to get god back in my heart.
he said he has felt more confident in life since then.

after everything

you and your special someone has been through
do you ever feel like you're not worth it?
do you have that feeling in your stomach that's just empty?
do you feel as if you are not what they deserve?

there is a point in time where everyone has that feeling.
i know that i have had that feeling myself.
ask your parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles
they have also felt that feeling.

the best feeling in the world is when someone tells you that you're worth it.
when someone tells you that your relationship is worth everything.
it makes you feel wanted and loved.
is that what all we want in life is to be loved and wanted?

i believe so.

why is it

when we are younger we do nothing but wish we were older? is it so we could explore the world and do what we want to do? it's because we want to be on our own and do whatever we want to do at that minute. but we do not think of what the consequences or the outcome of our actions is going to be.

when we are older all we do is wish we were younger so we could have taken our youth for granted. sometimes i look upon myself and wish i could go back to when i was, two years old and live my life all over again so i couldn't take everything for granted. i wish i noticed everything around me and knew what was going on.

but that's what the world wants us to learn, right? isn't that the moral of life is that we all take everything for granted, so seize the day and live your life to it's fullest without being stupid wild. now when you learn that is own your own theory and problems based on life.

but i have let you in on the secret of life. so don't take IT for granted and live a good life. because you never know if you have tomorrow to live. so let your family know you love them and never have the fear of rejection because if you die they will never know how you felt about them.

how is it

that when we are 17 we can't make our own decisions?
but when we are 18 we are considered an adult and have to take care of ourselves?
there is many things in this world we can do on our own. but also there are very many things that we can't do on our own.
this is why we all need our family and our friends.
they help us with our problems and things that we need to overcome.

we all take things that we have for granted.
we do not care about things or appreciate them fully enough until they are gone.
why do we do these things?
is it because it's what humanity is all about?
it's because we don't fully know what these things are worth to us.

if you actually knew

me there are some random things and alot.
1. i am very much into volleyball
2. i like to rollerblade
3. i love going to concerts and dancing
4. i am very emotional
5. i am a good friend
6. i am here for anyone who needs my help
7. i am a huge believer in christ
8. i don't do drugs
9. i don't respect anyone that does
10. i am into sports very much
11. i suck at relationships
12. my family is my life
13. i have friends who are always there
14. i'm into all music but country
15. i am not like everyone else, i don't fit a cast
16. i want to go to college and be successful
17. i travel alot of places to see bands
18. i like to write music
19. i dress a lot differently than most
20. i have lost a foster brother

quotes

1. “Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; don’t walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.”- Albert Camus
My feeling on this quote is to show that you are not going to follow or lead someone to be your friend; all you are going to do is be yourself and have them like you for you.

2. “A mere friend will agree with you, but a real friend will argue” –Russian Proverb
My feeling upon this quote is that everyone agrees on some things, but true friends always disagree at least once and are still close.
3. “Life without a friend is death without a witness.”- Eugene Benge
It’s saying that if no one is there to help you in your life then it is hard on yourself.

4. “Without friends no one would choose to live.”- Aristotle
What Aristotle is saying that without friends there is no one there to help us with problems in our lives.

5. “Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man”- Joseph Joubert
Joseph is saying that if your wife was a man she would be able to be your best friend because she is the one who is always there and the one that knows you the most.

6. “A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view.”- Wilma Askinas
Wilma is saying that your friend knows exactly who you are and the love you for you.

7. "When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams."- Dr. Seuss
What Dr. Seuss is trying to say is that we all dream of being in love and when we actually are, our dreams have came true.

8. “I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.”- Ray Croft
Ray is saying that around the person he loves he can be his own self and he can feel good that he can trust her.

9. “As we grow older together, As we continue to change with age, There is one thing that will never change. . . I will always keep falling in love with you”- Karen Clodfelder
Karen is saying that once we love someone, no matter what happens to them, we will always love them.

10. “Don't let someone become your everything, because when they're gone you have nothing”- Kenya Mitchell
Kenya is saying that once you let someone be your everything yes you will love it right now, but it hurts losing everything that you had.

my prophecy?

what do i believe calling yourself a christian is? i believe that it's asking the lord to come into your life and cleanse your sins, to live for him not to become a person that everyone else is becoming. it's living your life for him and wanting to become a children of his. people wonder why this world has not ended yet, it's because not everyone has heard the word of the lord. so everyone open up your hearts and just listen to it, listen to him. ask him to come into your life and cleanse you because he has already done his part. i mean we act like god has forgotten about us, we live as if the lord is not coming back and i can promise you he has not forgotten us, he is waiting for the perfect time. do not think the lord has failed us because he can not do such a thing

is there always

is there always one thing that we have to overcome as a human being?
like to fit into humanity do we all have to overcome one thing?
and if so what is it?

like i don't understand if so, then which one is it?
we have so many things that we overcome in life.
could it be love? or could it be friends?
could it be building a relationship with your parents?

i know that we all have so many troubles with all these problems.
we all have problems with relationships.
we all have troubles with friends such as fights.
but if they are your true friends then they back you up no matter what.

i know all my true friends are there no matter what.
even though i don't do the same things they do, they respect me and my decisions.
even if we don't believe in the same thing i know my cousin is always there.

it's people like this that makes me overcome all the things.
so i'm guessing the thing we need in our life is people to love us.
then we can overcome anything.
we also all need the lord.

friends?

is it true when bestfriends only are bestfriends until highschool?
is it true that they're going to leave or just fade away when you go to college?
do we have to go to college alone?
why should college be such an important thing?
is it because we have to live and rely on on ourselves?

why does everyone hate their hometown?
is it because of the people they grow up around?
is it because the person they have became is not good enough?
i think it's because we all want a slate and that's why we move away.
everyone is so psyched about going to college because we can be whoever we want to be.

just another book in the library?

ok so i am just another book in the library.
and so are you.
a person comes into the library and is interested in us and checks us out.
but how long will they check us out is what we wonder?
will they keep us for life?
will they keep us for only a year, month, week, day?
the future holds what no man can see.

so back to being just a book.
if you are what i am, then how come you can judge me?
even when you don't know me or anything about me you judge me.
so judge a book by it's cover?
just because i act different than others, just because i dress differenylt, or i have peircings?
how come you judge me even when you have lived your teenage years and you went through problems.
how come you cant let someone of your own blood do the same?

how do you have any say in what they do with their life?
let them live their own life and make their own mistakes.
nor will they never learn.
let them be with who they want, be friends with who they want.
don't put so much pressure onto them for stupid things.
like if they don't have b's in school.
why put pressure on people like that and make them resent you?

the world is full of theories and people out there.
life is a journey so make your own theory and don't care about other people.
when people talk bad about you do you wonder why?
it's because they know you're better than them.
so they have nothing else on you except to talk about you.

so don't let people get to you and live your own life.
you never know when you'll get checked out

i don't fit in with you?

if we dress differently or don't listen to the same music why do you get the right to judge me? just because i choose to not do drugs you choose to call me gay or you say i have no life? how can you judge my friends upon what we do, don't do, dress like, or listen to?
sometimes i don't understand people, just because i'm not redneck means i can't date a friend of yours? even though you accuse me of doing drugs and drinking every chance i get but yet i don't do either, but you do and i'm the one who still gets judged? i still don't understand even though i'm a good person to be around and hang with. i never am around people who do drugs because that's not my thing, but yet she can hang with you when you drink and smoke all the time?
how come even though i wear skinnies and listen to hardcore music means i'm not as good or not better than you? i believe in god as does she, i don't do drugs neither does she and i share interests. so you tell me where exactly you fit in right for her?
i'll tell you where, no place because the only thing you share with her is that you're redneck and i'm not. you live in the country and i don't. i'm sorry i don't live out in the boonies or like to hunt or have a farm? i know i am different from people but yet you judge because i am different?
one thing i don't understand is why you are so good enough to get all of her friends to turn against her if she dates me? so how good does that look upon your part? i'll tell you that it doesn't look good at all, and when you look back at it, when you're grown up and mature you'll realize that it was stupid.
i know i am only 17, but i have philosophy. i have the same philosophy as a wise man that has lived his whole life in troubles.
did she cry you calling because of her ex and did you make her happy within the next five minutes? no but, i'm pretty sure that i was that guy who was always there for her when she needs someone. were you? i believe not.

just remember when you look back and think about this, just remember that i was the bigger person because i let her have you and all of her friends. i didn't try to take her away from her friends. just remember that i was younger and that i was the more mature MAN.

how can something

so good be so evil?
what if the definition of temptation?
the act of tempting.
has something ever tempt you so bad that you wanted to say yes, right there?
we all have our different problems because we're mankind.
we have problems with drugs, relationships, families, and friends.

weall have temptation with other things like drugs, girls, boys, and stealing.
why do we do such things when all they're going to do is just hurt us.
temptation can feel so good while you're doing it.
but think about when you're laying down and thinking of everything.

it just gets to you of what you did, or done.
you want to come clean with everyone but you're afraid of what they will think.
the easiest thing to dois just to forget and live on.
but is that the best thing to do?
the best thing to do is just come clean.

don't let temptation get to you.
it makes you wonder about who you are and what you did.
temptation is so sweet, it just depends on how strong the lord made you.
remember you are as strong as you make yourself.

how could this happen?

there is something that has happened to me that i don't like to think of very much but i find myself thinking of it every second of every day. well first i will let you know there was this girl and she caught my eye, more than anyone could know.

well there was this one day that i was at an Apollo vs. catholic volleyball game. i knew very many player son each team because my dad coaches at Owensboro Catholic and i go to school at Apollo of course. well i was talking to my friends Haley Jones and Lauren Connor. as i was talking to them i looked over just glancing around and i seen her. she was so beautiful, now don't get me wrong I'm not saying i fell in love at first sight, but i knew when i seen her i had to get to know her.

i remember just like it was yesterday, i seen her online on myspace. so i decided to talk to her. i started out with a simple "hey, how're you doing?" keeping the belief of the doubt that she would even talk to me at all. then a couple of minutes later i got a comment back from her saying "heyy! and terrible because i have swine flu :/." ever since then we have talked. it was very seldom at first, just texting having small conversations.

i would always bring up the fact that she was so cute with her big words and the way she talked. but as any other cute girl would she would just blow it off with a simple thank you. we became friends, and no not like a huge fairytale we did not become best friends. i remember when i was at my girlfriend's house she would always text me around 9:30, 10 o'clock and she would always tell me goodnight. and to know that she thought of me before she went to sleep and she took the time to text me before she slept made me happy.

we first started talking in the middle of September like right before district was about to start. now we are coming to the end of November and early December. i remember me and her would take more regularly and start flirting a little more, she would flirt but of course not as much me. i could tell she was somewhat interested in me but she would not come to tell me that she did.

around this time after very many failed tries i decided to start talking to this other girl haley and of course we dated. She would text me randomly for the two weeks that me and her dated and i would ignore them. the day after a bad break up of me and Haley,she decided to text me and we got deep into talk. she asked me why i was talking to her now since im still dating haley, and i admitted to her that we broke up. now from just being on the phone i could tell the glaring smile she had across her face. she admitted to me that she liked me and she wish she would have told me earlier. now the thing was the i told her i felt the same exact way and i asked her what took so long.

i remember one night she had to go to this Christmas dance at burns, because she is in middle school. yes, very young i know but age is just a number and i don't pay attention to age. well i have been texting her all night even though she was at a dance she texted me back faster than i could even put my phone up. a girl's way to show you that she likes you and wanted to be with you is being eager to text you even though they are busy. i remember that night i went to McDonald's with my cousin Austin and we were driving around. as i walked i seen some girls in dresses and i was like oh yeah the dance. well the first thing i heard when i walked is was some girl say "hey, isn't that blake that just walked in?" i immediately looked over to where i heard the sound come from, and i seen her sitting down with her friends. she was wearing a red dress, as i remember.

i did not let her know that i seen her just waiting for her to talk to me or see if she would even say anything. as we were still texting i asked her what she was doing and as i took out my phone watching her put hers up i pulled mine out and she said word for word "looking straight at you." as soon as i read this i found myself sitting beside her talking to her. noticing her shivering and her teeth chattering from being nervous. i assured her not to be nervous because she looked beautiful and i already liked her. we talked until she left and we texted even after wards.

we texted very much more and about a week later she was going to KYA. i knew what happened here because i went when i was in middle school. i remember they were supposed to put their phone up by twelve and we found each other falling asleep on the phone around 3 or 4 o'clock. KYA is three dayn and two nights. and yes of course every night we were still falling asleep on the phone. i remember asking her to talk to her mother about us being okay because i wanted to be able to call her mine. letting the world know that she was mine and i was hers. i was waiting to see the guys faces fall because she was with me. i wanted them to be jealous of me.

the Tuesday that she got back she asked her mom about it, and i do regret this part of the story i am about to tell you about. i remember her calling me crying, and i reassured her saying "baby, everything will be ok, just what's wrong?" she told me the worst thing that i have heard since hearing my foster brother died. her parents did not approve of our age difference and yes it hurt so bad. so we were only allowed to be just friends, for as they knew we were just friends. it was hard to just be friends and we knew that we couldn't do it, so we decided to keep talking the same.

my dad coaches her in club volleyball right now, and i remember one day i went to their practices just to go see her. i knew when i walked in and seen her my heart dropped and i was so nervous. the whole practice i found myself looking her way and both of us meeting eyes and making no conversation, just because this is all we needed. i remember when we were playing volleyball she was across the net from me and the first words she said to me that night " you can't say hey?" just that voice put me on top of the world. after practice was done i was listening to music and she came over there and we talked for a couple of minutes and we knew that the time has come for her to leave. she gave me a hug and she said those three words i would have thought a girl that beautiful would ever say to me in that way... "i love you." i replied in the same saying i love you too and i'll text you soon.

after that day we had talked non-stop i'm talking about in school, on the phone right after school until it was time to sleep. this is to the point in which we have fallen so deep in love that we did not realize there was another world outside of us two. i remember i was at home texting her and all of a sudden it had stopped. the texting has come to an end. she had her friend told me something worse than us not being able to be together. her parents realized that we were still talking. we had talked about our future together like me staying back a couple of years until she graduates from high school. then we both go to uofl together and continue our relationship forward then. we knew there was a slim chance it would happen but we knew nothing would stop us at that point in time. i remember one night she changed my name in her phone from blake to "mys tery(;" to keep it well... a mystery. well her parents had my number blocked so we could not communicate again, ever.

then, when it came to January 20th, her 14th birthday, i decided to go to their practice and suprise her because something was spilled to me a while ago that her perfect birthday present was that i was able to come to the practice. so i knew i had to make it happen, even though me and her had gotten in a fight the day before, but i love her and i'd do anything for her.

so i ask myself do i regret any of it? i don't regret falling in love with her, but i regret going behind her parents back and lying to them. if i could go back and change things, i wouldn't because the lord has something planned for us. we still talk randomly at times, i know when i talk to her it is very rare because we have to sneak, but we still plan on growing up and being together. the chances are very slim but i would do it for her.

why we have so much hate in us?
why do we love so much?
is the world what the lord had invisioned for 2010?
what did he think we would be?

the thing is once you think about this,
he already knows what we would be.
he knews this is how it would be.
he's letting these things happen because he's ready to come back soon.
but don't be afraid for what he has coming for us.

"listen to what i'm about to say.
the only reason we live in a fallen world is because we live in a fallen culture.
but take note, cultures can changed."
that was a quote from Mattie Montgomery.

what do we miss

the missing things in our life.
is that in front on our very eyes.
we miss all the things as they just roll past us as the time goes on.
we don't appreciate the things we have until they're gone.
yes a cliche' saying i know, but it's true.
have you ever thought about how your life is going to be like after your parents are gone?
what about your grandparents , your brothers, sisters, aunts?
what about when you lose some of your friends?

then what is life worth living for if you're losing all the people love?
that's what life is about is finding the truth to your own life.
your life is a journey farther than anyone can tell only because it's your life, not theirs.
the people around you love you more than anyone can.
god, he loves you for you.
so why do we take advantage of things.
we suddenly get in fights with our parents only because we're getting smart.

why can't we appreciate what life has given us?
we are only here for a short time.
the average male's lifespan is what, 85 years old?
i'm afraid of losing the people around me that i love.
you rely on these people for such stupid things.

so how come we don't take care of ourselves until we're 18, 19 years old?
i think gradually it's to show what a family is supposed to be about, and show who you love.
how come we keep the friends that we fight with sometimes?
the thing is there's always going to be obstacles in life.
you just have to get yourelf together and get through it.
because i promise you after you get through it you will understand why that happened.

some people experience things in their life like drugs alcohol and substance problems. there are also problems with inhalents. there is so many teenagers dying of overdosing or drunk driving and/or drunk drivers. the way i look at it and the way i live my life is being straight edge.

straightedge was brought up by a band called "minor threat" in the 80's. the definition of straight edge is a lifetime commitment of not using recreational drugs, using tobacco products, and to refrain from drinking alcohol. it's all about living a drug and poison free life.

i have chosen this lifestyle because i don't wanna fall into the things that my friends have found theirselves upon. i have had a foster brother and a friend die from overdosing. so why not learn from the diceased?

if there was one last thing that they could tell me before they died, it would be to not end up like them. they would tell me to stay away from drugs. now i do believe you shouldn't be allowed to claim straight edge until you have experienced drugs or had a bad situation happen.

what i believe rules us is our past. people like to say don't care about the past live in the present. how are we supposed to live in the present if people judge us upon our past? what happened to people changing? can we not change who we are and what we do compared to what we did and who we were? so why should we even care what others think of us? we live to please others, we would like to disagree but i know that all of us do the same thing. we all want to fit in the "it" crowd, so we do things that other people do.

we are very rarely in control of ourselves and what we do. like i said in the past paragraph we all live to please others and be like most people. when do we become "different?" we try so hard to be different than other, but why do we try so hard to be like everyone else at the same time? we try things we didn't want to try because other people do it, like drugs. we get pressured into drugs because we are around people who do it. it's just sitting infront of us so we take the chance to try them and fall into the mold.

we are never sure of what is going to happen, i mean we have this theory in our head that the world is going to end in 2012. The honest truth is that we honestly don't know what is going to happen. we never know what the future has in store for us, we have no idea what our path is or what the lord has for us. we all have a reason on this earth, but do we know why or what? no, we don't, that's the whole point of our lives is to figure out. we figure our own theories and our life is a theory.